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“With great “Stache”, comes Great Responsibility”


A Mustache Gone Rogue


The Writing is on the Restroom Wall.

It probably goes without saying, but I probably should say it anyway; “With great Stache, comes great responsibility”.   An untamed, unkempt, mustache is like having a loose cannon on your face.  It’s unpredictable, it could go off at any moment, it could take control, say things… then blame it on you.  A mustache gone rogue can keep you up all night, give you special powers, spend your hard earned cash on fruity drinks, oversized vending machine condoms, and medieval weaponry you found on Amazon. “You need this” it says, and yes, in that moment you agree. Morning is the worst time for an erratic mustache, its when it’s at it’s weakest, but by daybreak you’re too worthless to discipline the thing because your brain feels like a giant carpet burn laying in a bed of fire ants and your scruffy ol’pal looks like a smashed palmetto bug baking on the front grill of the wrecked semi truck that is your face. It may as well be a crime scene.

No stache goes unnoticed and no one rides for free.

Yes, a feral “Lip Toupée” should be avoided by men, women, and beasts at all cost.  But, a well manicured mustachio… well, that’s a different story completely.  It’s the life of the party, a beacon in the darkness, it will open doors for you, it will show you the way.  A ‘Magnificent Stache’ will give a lesser man the edge.   Consider it, in this moment you could easily come up with 5 to 10 notable men who would have simply  faded into obscurity if it wasn’t for their famous “nose neighbor”. Admit it, that’s a fact.Tom-Selleck-Movember-300x214

At worst, (cue Darth Vader theme music) a bad mustache could make you a hated dictator, a destroyer of worlds, a crooked cop or a creepy molester type that is rejected from the arms of society and forced to live on the outskirts of abandon trailer parks.  At best, (cue Magnum P.I. theme music) an exquisite stache could make you the exalted leader of nations, a badass cop, or sex symbol that drives an amazing sports car, gets everything for free, and walks away from huge explosions in slow motion. You never look back.

I for one, will not even pretend that my “Furry Soup Strainer” could ever rival the greatness achieved by others, but I rest assured that God grants to each man only what he is able to handle, and whoa to those who do not carry their “Lip Torch” high.

Stache Lineb

Just try and guess which mustache is the fake one.


Think You're cool?

I would like to think that I was granted a face worthy of a fine stache and that I’ve handled it with proper respect and etiquette.  I have not (though tempting), used its power for evil. I have been kind to the female of the species when they have fallen under its influence and cool to the guys that look on with stache-envy.  Admittedly, at times, in conversation, I have even found myself a bit jealous, as eye contact is lost and I’m aware that their gaze has drifted down, and settled on the “Lip Cleavage”, the sexy pirate-like beast, that is now controlling my word hole. This thing has made me a prisoner to my own face, …and it’s much cooler then I am.

Old Mustache, aka "Stachey"

My Old Mustache, aka “Stachey”

As these instances occurs more often, I realize that I am a man who likes change. And to change, I must let go of something to become something else.  And by “something”, I mean a certain “thing”, and by a certain “thing”, I mean my “Cookie Duster”, my “Face Furniture”, my high maintenance “Misplaced Eyebrow”!   Sure, “If you love something, set it free”, but a lot of times that thing can get mad and turnaround and bite you in the ass. It really just comes down to the nature of the beast.

The last time I relieved myself of a moustache of this fortitude, I was shaven on stage by a bodacious burlesque girl in front of about 90 people, with  live camera feed projected onto a 20ft wide screen above me. We carefully placed the severed “Dirt Squirrel” in a thin clear cd case and gave it away as a door prize. The winner called it “Stachey” and she would randomly send me photos of Stachey’s adventures in different parts of the world.

It was a proper goodbye.


I will certainly give my current “stachey” away, but its surgical removal will be less bloody and a little more private this time.  I shall miss you good sir, we have had some great times together (Cue music for memory lane montage sequence).    I trade my pen for a razor, and with the other hand I raise my index finger and put it on my upper lip alter-ego hero, “Good night sweet prince, it’s been a good run, we will meet again.  Now, Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh….”

-Brother Dorn

Face Off.

Brother Nate’s Face Off.


Moustache vs. mustache (vs. mustachio)

Mustache is the U.S. spelling of the word referring to hair on the upper lip.

Moustache is the preferred spelling in all the main varieties of English from outside the U.S. 

Mustachio, which resembles the Italian word for the facial hair but is spelled differently, was originally a variant of mustache, but it has long been used to refer to an especially luxuriant mustache.

The past-participial adjectives corresponding to these words are mustachedmoustached, and mustachioed


For more information on living with a Mustache,

Check out: American Mustache Institute 

Photo by Thomas Dodd.

In time of great emergency, always follow a guy with great facial hair.
Photo by Thomas Dodd.


A mustache IS it’s own theme song.     -Dorn

“If a man carrying a Magnificent Moustache passes you on the street, you will do a double-take and interrupt what your girlfriend is saying about butterflies to quietly mutter, “Dear God. It’s magnificent.” Note that I’m not suggesting a way you should react to it. I’m simply outlining what will and must happen. You won’t have a choice in the matter. It’s reflex: the only way one can react to a truly Magnificent Moustache.”

-“What Works”    The Magnificent Moustache


“Since I don’t smoke, I decided to grow a mustache – it is better for the health.
However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: “Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?”
Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches.”
― Salvador Dalí,

“A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the door, and right there I have to stop the joke, because not only does it not have a punch line, but that punch line was kidnapped, and if it’s ever found, it will probably be rated Not Safe For Work. 
― Jarod Kintz,

The Tick has “That Mustache Feeling

Mustache Nicknames:




Soup Strainer

Flavor Saver

Cookie Duster


Dirt Squirrel


Best Friend

Face Furniture

Nose Neighbor600697_375605139204173_108695711_n

Lip Cap

Lip Hat

Lip Rug

Lip Spinach

Lip Toupée

Mouth Brow

Mouth Merkin

Smoke Filtercreative-intelligence-mustache-choices

Snot Mop


Upper Lip Plumage

Misplaced Eyebrow


Face Fungus

Mouth Brow


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