It probably goes without saying, but I probably should say it anyway; “With great Stache, comes great responsibility”. An untamed, unkempt, mustache is like having a loose cannon on your face. It’s unpredictable, it could go off at any moment, it could take control, say things… then blame it on you. A mustache gone rogue can keep you up all night, give you special powers, spend your hard earned cash on fruity drinks, oversized vending machine condoms, and medieval weaponry you found on Amazon. “You need this” it says, and yes, in that moment you agree. Morning is the worst time for an erratic mustache, its when it’s at it’s weakest, but by daybreak you’re too worthless to discipline the thing because your brain feels like a giant carpet burn laying in a bed of fire ants and your scruffy ol’pal looks like a smashed palmetto bug baking on the front grill of the wrecked semi truck that is your face. It may as well be a crime scene.
Yes, a feral “Lip Toupée” should be avoided by men, women, and beasts at all cost. But, a well manicured mustachio… well, that’s a different story completely. It’s the life of the party, a beacon in the darkness, it will open doors for you, it will show you the way. A ‘Magnificent Stache’ will give a lesser man the edge. Consider it, in this moment you could easily come up with 5 to 10 notable men who would have simply faded into obscurity if it wasn’t for their famous “nose neighbor”. Admit it, that’s a fact.
At worst, (cue Darth Vader theme music) a bad mustache could make you a hated dictator, a destroyer of worlds, a crooked cop or a creepy molester type that is rejected from the arms of society and forced to live on the outskirts of abandon trailer parks. At best, (cue Magnum P.I. theme music) an exquisite stache could make you the exalted leader of nations, a badass cop, or sex symbol that drives an amazing sports car, gets everything for free, and walks away from huge explosions in slow motion. You never look back.
I for one, will not even pretend that my “Furry Soup Strainer” could ever rival the greatness achieved by others, but I rest assured that God grants to each man only what he is able to handle, and whoa to those who do not carry their “Lip Torch” high.
I would like to think that I was granted a face worthy of a fine stache and that I’ve handled it with proper respect and etiquette. I have not (though tempting), used its power for evil. I have been kind to the female of the species when they have fallen under its influence and cool to the guys that look on with stache-envy. Admittedly, at times, in conversation, I have even found myself a bit jealous, as eye contact is lost and I’m aware that their gaze has drifted down, and settled on the “Lip Cleavage”, the sexy pirate-like beast, that is now controlling my word hole. This thing has made me a prisoner to my own face, …and it’s much cooler then I am.
As these instances occurs more often, I realize that I am a man who likes change. And to change, I must let go of something to become something else. And by “something”, I mean a certain “thing”, and by a certain “thing”, I mean my “Cookie Duster”, my “Face Furniture”, my high maintenance “Misplaced Eyebrow”! Sure, “If you love something, set it free”, but a lot of times that thing can get mad and turnaround and bite you in the ass. It really just comes down to the nature of the beast.
The last time I relieved myself of a moustache of this fortitude, I was shaven on stage by a bodacious burlesque girl in front of about 90 people, with live camera feed projected onto a 20ft wide screen above me. We carefully placed the severed “Dirt Squirrel” in a thin clear cd case and gave it away as a door prize. The winner called it “Stachey” and she would randomly send me photos of Stachey’s adventures in different parts of the world.
It was a proper goodbye.
I will certainly give my current “stachey” away, but its surgical removal will be less bloody and a little more private this time. I shall miss you good sir, we have had some great times together (Cue music for memory lane montage sequence). I trade my pen for a razor, and with the other hand I raise my index finger and put it on my upper lip alter-ego hero, “Good night sweet prince, it’s been a good run, we will meet again. Now, Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh….”
Mustache is the U.S. spelling of the word referring to hair on the upper lip.
Moustache is the preferred spelling in all the main varieties of English from outside the U.S.
Mustachio, which resembles the Italian word for the facial hair but is spelled differently, was originally a variant of mustache, but it has long been used to refer to an especially luxuriant mustache.
The past-participial adjectives corresponding to these words are mustached, moustached, and mustachioed
Upper Lip Plumage
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 21st, 2013 at 9:30 pm. It is filed under Portraits and tagged with cookie duster, cool stache, Dorn, DornBrothers Photography, Face Fungus, Face Furniture, Facial hair, Flavor Saver, funny, Great Stache, Handle Bar Mustache, lip cleavage, lip hat, lip rug, Lip Toupée, Moustache, mouth brow, Mustache, Mustache gone wild, mustache ride, Mustachio, No one rides for free, Nose Neighbor, shave, shot gun, soup strainer, stache, steam punk, The Chronicles of Follicles, The Man Beard art show, Thomas Dodd. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Atlanta based photographers Nate and Travis Dorn Specialize in Commercial, Thematic, and Portrait Photography. Contact: email@example.com